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- Get your object of affection drunk (but not too drunk, if you know what I mean) Just enough to blur the edges a little. And while you're at it, get yourself tanked up, too. Why should he have all the fun?
- Your stomach looks flatter when you're lying down. Standing up, you might look like the Fig Newton, but when you lie down, you have abs of steel. And by the time they get you lying down, they don't care what you look like anymore, anyway.
- 2 words - Heroin Chic. In Philadelphia, a bag of heroin costs less than a tube of Clinique lipstick, and it lasts longer (at first). And there's no more dieting, because there's no more eating. You'll look like a Calvin Klein supermodel. After a little while, it won't matter, anyway. Nothing will.
- Never, ever compare yourself to other women. Once, while fishing for compliments, I sighed and said, "I wish I looked like Natalie Wood." "So do I," answered my man, wistfully, "So do I."
- Invest in a figure-flaw concealing full body tattoo. They're all the rage. I don't mean a little tit butterfly or a demure ankle bracelet. I'm talking a full color Our Lady of Guadalupe, in a grotto -- front, back, and sides. No one will be able to see your cellulite through all those vines and lilies.
- Go up to your desired one, sniffle, and say, "My cat (bird, dog, hamster, etc.) died. Hold me." Men can never resist this one. Note that it doesn't work if it's actually true, because you'll be too distraught. Also, be careful about getting caught. While he's "comforting" you on the couch because "your cat died", make sure Fluffy doesn't decide to saunter into the room, or you'll have to shriek, "Oh look! I got another cat! It has feline leukemia. Hold me."
- Worried about looking good on the beach? Summer is the season to go Goth. Go down the shore dressed as Lily Munster. Long-sleeved black dress, velvet cape, veil, black tights, the works. Yes, you'll be uncomfortable, but won't you be more uncomfortable shaving your pube into a mohawk, picking sand out of your crack, and having lounge chair weave permanently embossed on the backs of your thighs?
- They light your cigarette. They laugh at your jokes. They tell you you're pretty. They notice your new dress. In the words of Edith Massey, "Why doncha find yourself a nice homosexual and settle down." Sure, that muscle-bound he-man looks awful cute bending over that carburetor, but will he giggle with you over Tori Spelling's botched boob job? Can he recite scenes from "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane"? I think not.
- Use your flaws. Developing a neck wattle? Re-name yourself Turkey Girl and greet people with a hearty "gobble gobble!" Have a harelip? Paint on a giant red clown mouth. You'll look just like Juliette Lewis. People will think you're interesting.
- Above all, always remember to be yourself. And if that fails, wear a Wonderbra and pretend you're French.
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